Einin Andraste Shrathshire.
While she mostly exists on the papers sitting behind me and in the windmills of my mind, I can say with certainty she is a fighter. Oh, Andraste, yes.
For example, not three years ago now, I was on a bus in Durham, North Carolina, trying to tone down Einin's image so that she didn't look like Xena: Warrior Princess while kicking her boyfriend's wimpy arse around the training field (hilarious scene, really.)
And Einin, being herself entirely, stood there in my mind and shook her head at me. I could see her crossing her arms. No. I won't. Forget it.
Three lines crossed out later, I said FINE. You win for the moment.
In the last three years, there have been a half dozen thinking out pages written to try and get me out of the pit I and Einin seem to have dug for ourselves, hoping I could break through and fix what I apparently broke.
And so here we are, three years later, with fifty scenarios for getting rid of her/finding something to do with her/throwing her into a vortex and having her come out on the secret island that time goes faster on (Yep, that was one of my options that I gave myself.)
This little snag has actually held up progress on the story, seeing as I'm trying to rewrite the beginning of part 2 and if she sucks, it sucks.
I've been attacking the problem for the last three days, attempting to give Einin some personality and substance so that I could sort of see her for what she really was. After an hour of toil tonight and another paragraph of complaint, I hit paydirt. Finally.
All of a sudden, there's this person emerging, a person who is more of an extension of me than anything (aren't they all?) She bites her nails to the quick. She plays harp and sings for her father when he's upset. She's left-handed.
These things may seem insignificant, but when you're building a person out of thin air (and after three years of trying to "see" her and make her believable), it is more than a step forward. It's a damn big leap.
I'm going to start writing her and Tiernan's scenes tomorrow and see if these two can get their act together (because at the moment, I'M not even convinced they should hook up; they are that unconnected to each other.) God knows Tiernan has tried (kudos to my little character for giving a damn about Ms. Fighting Irish Paper Doll over there when she was crossing her arms and glaring at me) and hopefully now Einin has something to work with and she can try, too. Maybe with them both trying, we can make a relationship that's believable and real.
Otherwise I'm throwing the book at her (mentally, anyway) and getting someone else for Tiernan to hook up with later.
I have to get to bed so I can think tomorrow so that I can write Einin so that she doesn't cross her damn arms again and shake her head no at me.
Ta,
Bec
14.10.13
Gag Order A.K.A. Screaming Behind the Duct Tape Over My Mouth
It is very hard to be frustrated and not be able to tell you why. I want to vent at you all, but any attempt to let my little sauna air out may wind up burning me.
I am in the middle of a very delicate and nasty situation (not of my doing at all) that is currently unfolding and I have to keep my mouth shut for the time being.
I hate keeping my mouth shut. You are all aware of this.
I am very angry at someone (not family, strangely enough.) He has done something wrong and I am going to call him on it to his superiors. I have the letter mostly written (needs typing- that'll be tomorrow when I need to get mad again.) I'm going to see where this goes before I say anything, if I can say anything at all.
I've spent a whole lot of the last year boiling in frustration. The incident that has occurred has now taken not just the icing on top of the cake, but the whole bakery (cronuts and duffins, too.) I don't know whether to fight, give up, or throw a massive fit of temper that risks me forfeiting my security deposit.
I just want to NOT be frustrated anymore, because I have no healthy outlet for my frustration and either I'm going to go "poonk" and turn into a cloud of ashes to be swept up by a dustpan and put into a jar, or my pillows are going to die ignominious deaths.
I just can't gain any traction. I just can't win.
(What am I saying? This is one of my mother's children I'm talking about here. If I ever win anything, it's by accident. Or no one else showed up.)
I just worked too damned hard to to get through school, to become trained for the very job I wanted, and now 22 months later, I work at a call center and I'm stuck in place.
I am NOT lying down in the mud in front of the bulldozer and I am not going to let this guy (whom I can't describe) knock my (figurative) house down.
The thing is, I have to fight this. If I don't, it'll prove I never really wanted "it" at all, certainly not enough to fight tooth, nail, and claw for it. I have to show my spine (and not bend an inch while throwing a professional, well-worded hissy fit.) I have to show this guy that I am serious as a funeral for clowns and I am damn well going to make him pay for the offense he's done me.
SO THERE.
Ta,
Bec
I am in the middle of a very delicate and nasty situation (not of my doing at all) that is currently unfolding and I have to keep my mouth shut for the time being.
I hate keeping my mouth shut. You are all aware of this.
I am very angry at someone (not family, strangely enough.) He has done something wrong and I am going to call him on it to his superiors. I have the letter mostly written (needs typing- that'll be tomorrow when I need to get mad again.) I'm going to see where this goes before I say anything, if I can say anything at all.
I've spent a whole lot of the last year boiling in frustration. The incident that has occurred has now taken not just the icing on top of the cake, but the whole bakery (cronuts and duffins, too.) I don't know whether to fight, give up, or throw a massive fit of temper that risks me forfeiting my security deposit.
I just want to NOT be frustrated anymore, because I have no healthy outlet for my frustration and either I'm going to go "poonk" and turn into a cloud of ashes to be swept up by a dustpan and put into a jar, or my pillows are going to die ignominious deaths.
I just can't gain any traction. I just can't win.
(What am I saying? This is one of my mother's children I'm talking about here. If I ever win anything, it's by accident. Or no one else showed up.)
I just worked too damned hard to to get through school, to become trained for the very job I wanted, and now 22 months later, I work at a call center and I'm stuck in place.
I am NOT lying down in the mud in front of the bulldozer and I am not going to let this guy (whom I can't describe) knock my (figurative) house down.
The thing is, I have to fight this. If I don't, it'll prove I never really wanted "it" at all, certainly not enough to fight tooth, nail, and claw for it. I have to show my spine (and not bend an inch while throwing a professional, well-worded hissy fit.) I have to show this guy that I am serious as a funeral for clowns and I am damn well going to make him pay for the offense he's done me.
SO THERE.
Ta,
Bec
8.10.13
Watching Stuff
Spent most of the early part of today watching the first three episodes of Downton Abbey's new season streaming online (as Dean would say about Dr. Sexy, "It's a guilty pleasure!") because the third episode has some shocking bits and I wanted to know what those shocking bits were without spoilers online anywhere (some dummy wrote it in big caps underneath one of the videos, so that plan was foiled anyhow.) Why would anyone write such a thing unless it had happened in the storyline? There you go. Ruined the episode because I could see it coming from the beginning.
And no, I will not put what happened here, namely because it is shocking, and namely because that episode won't air on PBS probably until next year in the States. Go spoil yourself on BBC.com because they were discussing it quite heavily today, or go watch the episode streaming online and find out.)
Then I switched to the miniseries of Count of Monte Cristo. It's apparently the only miniseries of this book that exists (there's another one in French with no translation,) so I will have to watch Gerard Depardieu for 6 hours. The whole thing is completely in French, with subtitles.
Mon Dieu.
I am 1/4 into this nightmare and Gerard is not impressing me one jot with his acting here, particularly when Dantes heaves his watery soup for the day at the wall and screams in a fit of childish rage on his knees, despite the fact that by then, he's been in the damn cell 14 years or so. Dantes by that point in the book was an educated man (which we hardly see at all-six hours of film and we spend five minutes or less on his education, which is extremely important to the plot) and had no need of such displays.
In fact, I was liking Dantes in the book's quiet reserve under trial...which is why I find Depardieu's outrageous anger and obvious plotting of revenge (instead of keeping it to himself like the book version did-there's the mark of intelligence missing right there. A guy who can keep his anger to himself and rip apart his enemies patiently, quietly, and steathily (book Dantes) is clearly a lot smarter than the guy throwing daggers at them and stabbing them in the heart (hints of this in the movie Dantes.) The whole anger thing is a bit off-putting.
Also, Albert is blue-eyed and blonde. Not to be racist (not at ALL), but he's born to a Catalan woman (Spanish) and a Spanish guy named Fernand Mondego. Spanish people do not usually produce blue-eyed blondes. Not saying it couldn't happen; it's just that I pictured Albert with dark hair and dark eyes thanks to the fact that he's completely dyed in the wool Spanish (a Spanish accent would be hard to fake, however, when the guy is speaking French.) Same with Edmund. The book lists him as dark. He's blonde. They could at least have dyed his hair.
And his Abbe Busoni looks like Patrick Troughton (2nd Doctor), and I laughed like an idiot when I saw him. I half-expected him to pull out a flute...
4 1/2 hours to go-we'll see if things improve or if I just quit the whole thing and go watch the movie with Jim Caviezel and Guy Pearce instead (much more tempting fare and I just might forget the miniseries with those two handling things.)
I will attempt to watch this thing and see how it goes.
Ta,
Bec
And no, I will not put what happened here, namely because it is shocking, and namely because that episode won't air on PBS probably until next year in the States. Go spoil yourself on BBC.com because they were discussing it quite heavily today, or go watch the episode streaming online and find out.)
Then I switched to the miniseries of Count of Monte Cristo. It's apparently the only miniseries of this book that exists (there's another one in French with no translation,) so I will have to watch Gerard Depardieu for 6 hours. The whole thing is completely in French, with subtitles.
Mon Dieu.
I am 1/4 into this nightmare and Gerard is not impressing me one jot with his acting here, particularly when Dantes heaves his watery soup for the day at the wall and screams in a fit of childish rage on his knees, despite the fact that by then, he's been in the damn cell 14 years or so. Dantes by that point in the book was an educated man (which we hardly see at all-six hours of film and we spend five minutes or less on his education, which is extremely important to the plot) and had no need of such displays.
In fact, I was liking Dantes in the book's quiet reserve under trial...which is why I find Depardieu's outrageous anger and obvious plotting of revenge (instead of keeping it to himself like the book version did-there's the mark of intelligence missing right there. A guy who can keep his anger to himself and rip apart his enemies patiently, quietly, and steathily (book Dantes) is clearly a lot smarter than the guy throwing daggers at them and stabbing them in the heart (hints of this in the movie Dantes.) The whole anger thing is a bit off-putting.
Also, Albert is blue-eyed and blonde. Not to be racist (not at ALL), but he's born to a Catalan woman (Spanish) and a Spanish guy named Fernand Mondego. Spanish people do not usually produce blue-eyed blondes. Not saying it couldn't happen; it's just that I pictured Albert with dark hair and dark eyes thanks to the fact that he's completely dyed in the wool Spanish (a Spanish accent would be hard to fake, however, when the guy is speaking French.) Same with Edmund. The book lists him as dark. He's blonde. They could at least have dyed his hair.
And his Abbe Busoni looks like Patrick Troughton (2nd Doctor), and I laughed like an idiot when I saw him. I half-expected him to pull out a flute...
4 1/2 hours to go-we'll see if things improve or if I just quit the whole thing and go watch the movie with Jim Caviezel and Guy Pearce instead (much more tempting fare and I just might forget the miniseries with those two handling things.)
I will attempt to watch this thing and see how it goes.
Ta,
Bec
4.10.13
Waffles!
Yesterday was a busy day. I went shopping for some things I really needed-hair bands, a new watch, and new tennis shoes (thank you, Grandma, for the birthday and Christmas money that allowed that purchase.)
I also bought a used waffle maker from the thrift store (3 bucks.) While it was filthy when it arrived here, in this house, it didn't remain so. Spent 15 or 20 minutes wiping it down last night and used it this morning to make waffles...
They are gluten-free, of course, and since I have no syrup here I ate them with peanut butter and butter. This might be something I have often around here now simply because I CAN.
I'm planning on lying around the house today and not moving. Yesterday was exhausting.
Ta,
Bec
PS: I think we're all aware that I have a weakness for Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch. Not only because he has a cool name, a gorgeous face, a beautiful voice, and a couple semi-loads of talent, but because he isn't afraid to do something a little different once in a while.
Take this year, for example. He's been/will be on our screens playing a WWI soldier, Khan Noonien Singh, a plantation owner, Julian Assange, somebody's brother in a Meryl Streep movie, Sherlock, and Smaug.
(I would have put down the Turing movie, but he's still working on that one, and I'm not sure what happened to the Brian Epstein movie, so I'm not listing that either. Not that I've been paying attention or anything.)
So, Smaug. One of the smartest, slimiest, and most vicious dragons written in the last century or so. It was one of the last roles announced because it was such a coveted piece of the action (I honestly thought Tom Baker was going to get it, but turns out it involved writhing on the floor with computer-tracking dots on your face and body. Better for a younger actor who can get off the floor to be doing that, even though I love Tom Baker (who doesn't?))
Anyhow, they didn't even let us hear his voice in the first movie, with good reason (the hype was enough to cut with a chainsaw.) Everyone's been waiting to hear his voice.
So here we are. They finally let us hear it. Worth the wait...start at 1:52 or 1:53 and be prepared to freak out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxvEHrVHEKE
As someone on the video page so deftly put it, "If it sounds like this on my computer speakers, how is it going to sound in the cinema theater?"
I concur. I am so going to see this puppy now, no question about it. Not just for Ben, though. The whole cast is a bunch of astounding actors and they're all worth watching (Martin Freeman! Dear old Watson :)
Ian McKellan was right. He is definitely awesome as Smaug.
I'm going to shut up now and let you watch THAT half a dozen times like I did this morning.
Ta,
Bec
I also bought a used waffle maker from the thrift store (3 bucks.) While it was filthy when it arrived here, in this house, it didn't remain so. Spent 15 or 20 minutes wiping it down last night and used it this morning to make waffles...
They are gluten-free, of course, and since I have no syrup here I ate them with peanut butter and butter. This might be something I have often around here now simply because I CAN.
I'm planning on lying around the house today and not moving. Yesterday was exhausting.
Ta,
Bec
PS: I think we're all aware that I have a weakness for Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch. Not only because he has a cool name, a gorgeous face, a beautiful voice, and a couple semi-loads of talent, but because he isn't afraid to do something a little different once in a while.
Take this year, for example. He's been/will be on our screens playing a WWI soldier, Khan Noonien Singh, a plantation owner, Julian Assange, somebody's brother in a Meryl Streep movie, Sherlock, and Smaug.
(I would have put down the Turing movie, but he's still working on that one, and I'm not sure what happened to the Brian Epstein movie, so I'm not listing that either. Not that I've been paying attention or anything.)
So, Smaug. One of the smartest, slimiest, and most vicious dragons written in the last century or so. It was one of the last roles announced because it was such a coveted piece of the action (I honestly thought Tom Baker was going to get it, but turns out it involved writhing on the floor with computer-tracking dots on your face and body. Better for a younger actor who can get off the floor to be doing that, even though I love Tom Baker (who doesn't?))
Anyhow, they didn't even let us hear his voice in the first movie, with good reason (the hype was enough to cut with a chainsaw.) Everyone's been waiting to hear his voice.
So here we are. They finally let us hear it. Worth the wait...start at 1:52 or 1:53 and be prepared to freak out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxvEHrVHEKE
As someone on the video page so deftly put it, "If it sounds like this on my computer speakers, how is it going to sound in the cinema theater?"
I concur. I am so going to see this puppy now, no question about it. Not just for Ben, though. The whole cast is a bunch of astounding actors and they're all worth watching (Martin Freeman! Dear old Watson :)
Ian McKellan was right. He is definitely awesome as Smaug.
I'm going to shut up now and let you watch THAT half a dozen times like I did this morning.
Ta,
Bec
1.10.13
Foiled Again.
Library said no again today. Apparently they never had a position open, despite what the director said in the paper last month.
It's this kind of hocus-pocus that had me pinching the bridge of my nose and screaming a short and ineffective scream of anger as I walked out of the doors of the library this morning.
Foiled again.
It is so FRUSTRATING to see what you want, know what you want, go for what you want, and have it snatched away every time you take a step towards achieving that goal. I feel like Tantalus (Greek guy in Hades who consistently had water up to his neck and then when he went to take a drink it was no longer there-hence the word "tantalize.")
I think every librarian in the library KNOWS I want a job there by now. If they don't, then they're not paying attention. How much insult do I have to endure? I have an advanced library degree, I'm willing to take a cut in pay, willing to work the hours, willing to volunteer, willing to shelve, willing to do ANYTHING to just be THERE, and apparently my skills and intelligence are not needed at this time. Try again next year.
I've tried to keep my mouth shut and stay quiet, but three ignored e-mails and a written message with my name and phone number on it (also ignored) have pushed me to the point where I am just about ready to split with the whole idea of working there. I can only be refused so many times before I give up and find a job someplace else where my skills are going to be USED and APPRECIATED.
I have applied repeatedly at this library since I was a teenager, and after 12 or 13 or 14 applications thrown away over TEN YEARS, I thought maybe this time they'd give me a chance (or an e-mail back saying there wasn't one. That would have been NICE.)
It's nice to know that my 7 1/2 years of hard work in college and 50 grand in debt trying to become the best librarian I can be ends with the person(s) who could hire me ignoring my messages to them. Glad to know I'm so valued.
I just thought my hometown library, the library I've been going to my entire LIFE, would have more respect for me than this. I guess not.
And if they read this, fine. I have been nice all this time and never said a word against you. But constantly ignoring my messages does not shut me up or make me go away. It just shows me how utterly unprofessional you are being in this situation, and I wish you'd just hire me and see how valuable an asset I could be to your library if you'd just give me half a chance.
It's this kind of hocus-pocus that had me pinching the bridge of my nose and screaming a short and ineffective scream of anger as I walked out of the doors of the library this morning.
Foiled again.
It is so FRUSTRATING to see what you want, know what you want, go for what you want, and have it snatched away every time you take a step towards achieving that goal. I feel like Tantalus (Greek guy in Hades who consistently had water up to his neck and then when he went to take a drink it was no longer there-hence the word "tantalize.")
I think every librarian in the library KNOWS I want a job there by now. If they don't, then they're not paying attention. How much insult do I have to endure? I have an advanced library degree, I'm willing to take a cut in pay, willing to work the hours, willing to volunteer, willing to shelve, willing to do ANYTHING to just be THERE, and apparently my skills and intelligence are not needed at this time. Try again next year.
I've tried to keep my mouth shut and stay quiet, but three ignored e-mails and a written message with my name and phone number on it (also ignored) have pushed me to the point where I am just about ready to split with the whole idea of working there. I can only be refused so many times before I give up and find a job someplace else where my skills are going to be USED and APPRECIATED.
I have applied repeatedly at this library since I was a teenager, and after 12 or 13 or 14 applications thrown away over TEN YEARS, I thought maybe this time they'd give me a chance (or an e-mail back saying there wasn't one. That would have been NICE.)
It's nice to know that my 7 1/2 years of hard work in college and 50 grand in debt trying to become the best librarian I can be ends with the person(s) who could hire me ignoring my messages to them. Glad to know I'm so valued.
I just thought my hometown library, the library I've been going to my entire LIFE, would have more respect for me than this. I guess not.
And if they read this, fine. I have been nice all this time and never said a word against you. But constantly ignoring my messages does not shut me up or make me go away. It just shows me how utterly unprofessional you are being in this situation, and I wish you'd just hire me and see how valuable an asset I could be to your library if you'd just give me half a chance.
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