Reichenbach Fall Theories Version Numero THREE

Reichenbach Fall Notes-Version 3

I am going to assume you've seen it, people. If you haven't, you HAVE had a year to rent/buy/borrow/steal the episode from someone. No spoiler line here.

This repeats some of the stuff from before, but I added some things, too. I thought after a year we needed a decent update. 9 pages worth. Yup.

Off we go!!!

Setting Things Up:

Moriarty spent most of season 2 in Mycroft's dungeon, being tortured. Geneva Convention be damned-we know he was kept in the dark alone and beaten up for months. Lord knows what else was done to him.

We know good old evil Jimmy was insane enough already to withstand all of Mycroft's best work and not spill his beans.

However, something bothers me here: Moriarty somehow gets his hands on something sharp and hard-something that could scratch Sherlock's name on a mirror in his cell over and over again. He's a criminally insane genius mastermind. Who on Earth is going to give him anything he can damage himself or someone else with?

The honest answer is, no one did.

Early on in the third episode, when he goes to break into the Tower of London, Moriarty has possession of a diamond. A small one, to be sure, but a diamond. We should be asking how he got his hands on it in a dark cell alone. He scratches Sherlock's name on the mirror of his cell with the diamond, then uses the same one to bust the glass in the Tower.

There are two ways he got the rock-either he had it on him: in his stomach, buried under his skin, or glued to one of his teeth. They strip-searched him on the way into imprisonment and I'm sure they were thorough about it. In his stomach would work (though he'd have to dig the diamond out of...well, you GET it...) The skin thing would work only if he could conceal it somewhere no one could see it and where he could reach it (middle of the back is going to be a horrible thing to reach, and they have cameras trained on him all the time, day and night.) The other problem with this is he'd need a knife to get it out, and good luck getting one of those. Teeth might work if they didn't check for a cyanide/poison capsule (they'd check. What if he tries to gas you with his last breath?)

The other option left is that someone gave him the diamond, and that someone has to be Mycroft.

I'm going with the idea that Mycroft could have fed Moriarty's cronies a bullshit code in the first place, making it only work a couple of times, or that it exposes whoever uses it to getting caught in the act. Moriarty would have put the thing up for auction to those assassins, then found out it was crap, but he's already got the damn thing up for sale. He's cornered if those guys find out that the code is fake. What can he do now but turn around and attack Sherlock, his "final problem?"
The only problem with this is that Moriarty already had gotten this information along with the code while in jail. Possibly the time in hoosecow meant that his rage and anger at Sherlock turned into the ultimate plan: to tear his mortal enemy to pieces in front of the entire world.

I know the idea is a little out there, but I can't believe that Mycroft would sell his baby brother's life story for a computer code he knows is crap from the beginning. We're dealing with a bunch of super geniuses here-a code that opens any door in the world? Blowing up all the nukes in the world in alphabetical order? Um, unlikely. Moriarty seemed far too confident in a code that he already had to know was nonsense. Sherlock was bluffing on the roof when he pretended to believe the code was real. Mycroft only told John about the code (but John needs to believe Sherlock's really dead later on and that he's also a complete faker at the science of deduction, so anything said to John is generally a pack of lies.)
Sherlock already knows that his life has been spread out before Moriarty like an "all you can destroy" buffet. Mycroft told him. This was the plan all along, beginning with letting him out of jail.
Moriarty's whole plan against Sherlock is to "tear his heart out." Beginning with his reputation, continuing with his closest friends, and ending with Sherlock's eventual ignomious death, Moriarty doesn't want to just kill Sherlock. He wants him torn apart into little pieces and spat out of a woodchipper. He wants nothing left of him. Killing him is boring. Destroying him is much more interesting.
It's a double-bluff sent directly from the Holmes brothers-make Moriarty think he's obliterating Sherlock, when it's actually Moriarty being destroyed. I'm sure if those assassins find out that the code is bogus, Moriarty will be exposed (and therefore dead.) The court case looked like a farcical game with Jim holding all the pieces and waving them in front of the government's nose. Mycroft could have ended it any old time and chose not to. He was letting things play out.
So, the scene is set: Jim Moriarty is enacting his brilliant plan to turn Sherlock Holmes, the Reichenbach hero, into a hated, disgraced public figure. Meanwhile, Sherlock and Mycroft, while appearing to hate each other's guts as per usual, have their own plan to thwart Moriarty.
Jim is what Sherlock would be without a heart; cold, calculating, lonely. Jim has no friends, no confidants. He understands violence, hatred, and rage, but love, feelings, and caring for someone besides himself is foreign to him. Sherlock may not always understand his emotions, but at least he bothers to have them at all.

Moriarty also doesn't understand loyalty without money/power involved. His minions are paid or cowed to be loyal to him, they grovel at his feet because he's smarter than them and can have them killed in interesting and excessively painful ways. They're loyal because they fear him, and probably loathe him just a little for having the strength that he does.

Sherlock engenders loyalty because John, Lestrade, and Mrs. Hudson see a great man trying to be a good man. Molly is on that list, too. They want to help him, to be at his side and support him because they care about him. Mycroft cares in a different way because his ties are familial, but he's watching out for his little brother all the time in various and unsubtle ways.

Moriarty doesn't understand this caring lark. He doesn't get why these people give a damn. He sees them as potential targets to get through Sherlock's armor and weaken him. In short, he sees them as (forgive the metaphor, Benedict, I really couldn't help it!) open unprotected spots on the underside of the dragon.

Recall Sherlock saying alone protects him. That's what Moriarty thinks. Funny enough, it's Sherlock's connections, his friends and family that get him out from under Jim's plan. In the end, Mycroft and Molly will save Sherlock from the death that Moriarty dies-a lonely suicide on a rooftop.

Who Knows Sherlock Lived?
Not the three who were targeted, at least not at the end of the last episode. That leaves out John, Lestrade, and Mrs. Hudson. Include Donovan (grr) and Anderson (GRR) in that list, along with all of Moriarty's henchmen.
Mycroft knew in the original story, so we can assume since he gave Moriarty the diamond and Sherlock's life story, he's in on the plan in this version, too. He's extremely needed, anyway-how on Earth is Sherlock going to get out of the U.K except on a private plane/boat/car? Everyone knows what he looks like thanks to Internet and all, unless he disguises himself, and then he still needs supplies in order to flee. He's also aware of information that Sherlock might require to kill Moriarty's people one by one, and help cover up Sherlock's presence anywhere, and get him passports, and...
OK, so Sherlock can't play dead without Mycroft.
Molly knows for certain. She's a coroner-like John, she has a medical license. Molly doesn't probably work with living bodies all that often due to her current position, but it stands to reason she knows how to use a needle, if necessary, and can fake records.

She's not on Sherlock's buddy list-meaning that Moriarty would always, always overlook her because he doesn't see her as anyone significant to Sherlock. He only dated her in the first place because it got him into Bart's and closer to his prey.

She can get rhododendron ponticum if Sherlock can't do it himself (more on this later on.) With only 8 hours of planning time, it might be hard to get a poison like this unless you had a contact willing to get it for you. It's possible Mycroft could get some, but Molly would ensure that the poisoning was done right so as not to really kill Sherlock.
The less people know about it, the better. The homeless network won't give the game away-Sherlock has been kind to them (in his own way) and they'll keep his secret for him. Those people on the ground might be Mycroft's people, too, and they're all government MI5 types. You can't pry the truth out of those guys with a crowbar.

Now For the Stupid Question: Is Sherlock Holmes Really Dead?
Is that a ghost, a duplicate, a clone, or an alternate timeline version of our favorite detective standing at the grave, watching his best friend bawl his eyes out?
Obviously, that's a no.

My first point is that Sherlock would never die this way if given a choice; there is the possibility of survival and being left permanently crippled and disabled. There is just no way a man as vain, smart, and quick as Sherlock Holmes would want to risk LIVING (because of something intentionally done) with stuff that would forever stop him in his tracks. Sherlock knows how to commit suicide properly thanks to his consulting detective job-he deals with the dead all the time, AND we know from the stories that he has an extensive knowledge of poisons and chemistry. There are far better ways of doing oneself in than falling off a building.
Sherlock knows how to kill himself and make it look an accident. We can reasonably assume he's come somewhat close to death in the past due to cocaine/heroin addiction in his younger years. He knows what many suicidal people don't seem to (or don't want to): How to kill himself and make it stick. The man's a chemist and an expert on how people die and why, so it wouldn't be that hard to apply it to himself.

As I said before, Sherlock's vain (have you seen how he dresses?) so he would probably avoid anything that smashed him into little pieces on the ground...and made a massive, bloody mess in public. The man has a SOCK INDEX. He's an organized, neat person (even the papers are in order, you just can't see it.) The last thing he'd want to do is go out making a mess all over a sidewalk. He barely believes he's human; would he really want to prove it by blashing into the pavement? Not likely.

No, a suicidal Sherlock Holmes would want to go quietly into that good night; with a needle and an overdose and John away somewhere on purpose so that he wouldn't be disturbed until there was no hope of rescue. Possibly Mrs. Hudson gone away, too.
This death was too abrupt and bloody, without a whole hell of a lot of planning, to be the real end of Sherlock.

So, logically, Sherlock Holmes wouldn't go out this way simply because it's out of character for him. But chemical death isn't as graphic, so he has to settle for this kind of fake demise.

Sherlock knows his "death", however false, has to be dramatic and visible to ALL of London, to the snipers with their guns aimed at his friends.

The Theories on How He Faked It

Theory 1: Rhododendron Ponticum
Of course he has to know what's coming. He's preparing from the moment that he leaves Rich Brook's flat, the night before he "dies." He goes to Molly for help. John is away at the time, berating Mycroft at the Diogenes Club. Sherlock spends the ENTIRE night in the lab at Bart's, since he's actually running away from the law. He has nowhere to go-can't go home, won't go to Mycroft, Scotland Yard is full of people wanting to arrest him.

And so Sherlock uses his and Molly's extensive knowledge of chemicals and poisons to come up with a plan involving rhododendron ponticum, a poison that slows the pulse and gives the appearance of death. This plan could go forward without Mycroft, but it's still going to be bloody hard to get ahold of the ponticum without his help, since that doesn't seem like something they'd keep in the lab of a teaching hospital. Even with Sherlock's near-encyclopedic knowhow of poisons, how likely is he to have the one at Baker Street that he needs? There are a lot of poisons; unless he's got a collection of them, he won't have it at home so that someone could go get it out of his things. It's late at night, and they can't order it on overnight delivery because that's unreliable and it might not get there in time. Best bet's probably Mycroft, Mr. British Government, who could probably procure any damn poison his little brother wants. Thank the Lord for MI-6 connections...

Of course, Sherlock could have grabbed some rhododendrons off the boarding house lawn, but that's planning too far ahead. Different species of the plant can poison, and more than likely Sherlock would want to stick with the honey made from rhododendrons, not the plants themselves, because eating the honey doesn't usually kill you. Here's a line from hbg.org, describing the poison and its effects...


The intoxication is rarely fatal and generally lasts for no more than 24 hours. Generally the disease induces dizziness, weakness, excessive perspiration, nausea, and vomiting shortly after the toxic honey is ingested. Other symptoms that can occur are low blood pressure or shock, bradyarrhythima (slowness of the heart beat associated with an irregularity in the heart rhythm), sinus bradycardia (a slow sinus rhythm, with a heart rate less than 60), nodal rhythm (pertaining to a node, particularly the atrioventricular node), Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome (anomalous atrioventricular excitation) and complete atrioventricular block.

Also...

In humans, symptoms of poisoning occur after a dose-dependent latent period of a few minutes to two or more hours and include salivation, vomiting, and both circumoral (around or near the mouth) and extremity paresthesia (abnormal sensations). Pronounced low blood pressure and sinus bradycardia develop. In severe intoxication, loss of coordination and progressive muscular weakness result. Extrasystoles (a premature contraction of the heart that is independent of the normal rhythm and arises in response to an impulse in some part of the heart other than the sinoatrial node; called also premature beat) and ventricular tachycardia (an abnormally rapid ventricular rhythm with aberrant ventricular excitation, usually in excess of 150 per minute) with both atrioventricular and intraventricular conduction disturbances also may occur. Convulsions are reported occasionally. (Thanks to http://hbd.org/brewery/library/HonD.html)

You can only get this honey, made from bees taking nectar from rhododendrons stuff, around the area surrounding the Black Sea. It is RARE. You can't make the active ingredient in a lab (grayanotoxin), although you can buy it online (again, not nearly enough time.) Clearly this is not something Sherlock could just go and buy at a moment's notice, especially since his credit cards, if he has them, are all being monitored because he's on the run. He would need Mycroft's extensive reach to get some of this stuff to poison himself with.

NOTE, 10/12/13. I am an Idiot.
Bees. Honey. Poison made by bees taking nectar from a flower and making into honey.
And what is Sherlock's hobby when he retires from chasing after bad guys?
BEES. He moves out of London and becomes a BEEKEEPER in the COUNTRY.
Why didn't I see this before? Of course Sherlock loves bees, and of course he'd know about different honey types, and so OF COURSE he would know about THIS particular kind of honey. It adds weight to this theory in spades, it really does. The bee thing is canon from ACD's stories themselves.
I am going to go kick myself a few more times now. Back to the theory-making with you...

Sherlock has hours and hours, then, to set up a plan, to work something out with the homeless network, Mycroft, and Molly. By the time John is finished shouting at Mycroft and is headed back, a plan is probably mostly done, because Molly has left by the time John arrives at the morgue.

John comes back at some point and falls asleep on the desk across from where Sherlock is sitting. Remember John is supposed to have been arrested too, so he also has nowhere to go.

It is at THIS likely point that Sherlock takes the rhododendron poison, since it takes around two hours to take effect. That would have him taking it somewhere in the early hours of the morning, while John sleeps at the desk.

John is woken by a phone call (who calls him is a mystery I would like solved but my guess would be Mycroft) because Mrs. Hudson has been shot and is dying. Sherlock refuses to leave. John accuses him of being a machine and not caring (a paradox if there ever was one-Sherlock isn't leaving Bart's because he cares too much for John, Lestrade, and Mrs. Hudson.)

Of course the whole bloody thing is a ruse to get John out of the way for a few moments while Sherlock goes and deals with Jim on the roof.

The Rooftop

So we assume Sherlock's had the rhododendron stuff in his system for a few hours already. When Moriarty takes a good look at him on the rooftop, he peers up at Sherlock, and sees something wrong with his eyes (pupils are way contracted, and it's awfully hard to see Jim's to compare them because Andrew Scott's irises are so damn dark).

And here, Moriarty takes Sherlock's pulse by shaking his hand. Sherlock doesn't often shake hands-touching isn't one of his things. He does it with Irene Adler to take her pulse, though, so this could be a callback to that.

What does Moriarty find when he shakes Sherlock's hand and subtly takes his pulse? Nothing. No pulse. Sherlock's heart rate is so slowed by the rhododendron poison that he already would fool someone into thinking he was dead.

Moriarty GETS it, of course. He sees the eyes and feels no pulse and it registers that Sherlock's got him good. He gets that Sherlock's loyalty to his friends means that he would die for them, blow his reputation for them, lose it all for them. But Sherlock doesn't walk into death blindly-he's already got an OUT set up somewhere.

Sherlock may fake-die today and his reputation may be in tatters, but the snipers will be called off of John, Mrs. Hudson, and Lestrade. And that matters more to him than anything else.

Moriarty thanks him for a game well played and blows his own head off, forcing Sherlock into going forward with the "suicide."

I have been puzzling over this for the last couple of months, mostly because I thought something was seriously wrong with Sherlock's eyes when he was lying on the sidewalk. But someone else thinks that that was happening minutes before he jumped.

As we all recall, Moriarty and Sherlock have been going about on the rooftop, dancing, singing, trying to throw each other off balance...

...and then, for some reason, Moriarty and Sherlock get REAL cuddly up there, and Moriarty starts calling Sherlock ordinary, and THEN he looks at him really hard...and starts thanking him for something and complimenting the hell out of him.

WHAT?

Someone else noted this already on their own page, and I will link it here...warning on a bit of swearing.

http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

but I will summarize the whole thing here: Sherlock's pupils are really, really small on that rooftop, and it's the first time Moriarty gets a really good look at him...and a chance to take his pulse. IF we stick with the rhododendron theory, then Sherlock has already taken the stuff, and his body is already shutting down in response. As Melissa in the link above explains, Sherlock already appears dead, his pulse slowed to an almost nonexistent crawl.
The thing that has struck me EVERY time I've watched this episode are how small Sherlock's pupils look when he's lying on the sidewalk. They are fixed and dilated. Usually this would indicate brain damage of the worst kind, and contacts can create that effect, but it'd be bloody hard to fake without assistance because no one, not even Sherlock Holmes, can make his pupils contract by sheer will when he's pretending to be dead on the sidewalk. Either he's taken poison, or he had enough time on the way up to the roof to insert contacts that make his pupils look small.

To combat the effects AFTER he gets carted around the corner, he'd probably have had to have someone with needle experience standing by with atrophine to get his system back up to speed (Molly?)

Theory Two: The Ball
Sherlock is seen in the lab at Bart's bouncing this ball off of a cabinet the night before. He slides it into his pocket just before he heads up to the roof to dance with Jim.
Where does it go from there?
The idea is to plant the ball in one's armpit, thereby temporarily creating a sort of block on the brachial artery and cutting off the pulse. It works (did it myself. Haven't figured out I'm cracked yet?)
However, there is one problem with this that I cannot get around. When he's picked up, Sherlock's arm flops out to the side. That ball should fall out and land on the ground. It doesn't. His arm doesn't even look weird like there's a bouncy ball lodged in the sleeve.
He couldn't have had time to tape the thing up inside his arm, and most people would have a flexibility problem if their arm is taped up on the underside. He's a guy, more than likely not vain enough to have shaved his pits, and it's going to pull on his skin/hair and potentially fall off if he moves wrong. Sherlock has nothing wrong with his arm movement on that rooftop, although he IS wearing his coat...
Another thing that shoots this theory in the foot is that Sherlock would have had the pulse cut off in his arm for quite a while-nearly a half-hour at the very least. To cut off the blood flow that long would be dangerous as all hell and Sherlock damn well knows it. The limit that doctors allow having blood flow cut off is 45 minutes, tops. After that, damage to the muscle would start to occur.
Besides, he's going to have terrible pins and needles unless he takes a break between Moriarty blowing his head off and when he plunges off the roof. Difficult to do, and he'd have to put it back into place, AND it might fall out while he's falling down to the ground, and if he loses it, then there goes his master plan. Too risky.

Moving on, now, to proving why the scene at Bart's is full of flaws. There were 5. Did you catch them all?

Here, I'll list them for you. I discuss these in no particular order down below:
1. Position of Sherlock's body
2. The speed of the appearance of the stretcher
3. Too much blood, too little time
4. Not enough injuries
5. Way he's moved

1. Position of Sherlock's body falling versus where he lands. He falls perpendicular to the building, but lands parallel to it. Not enough airspace to flip around in midair, so he changes position when he's out of sight behind the small building in front of the hospital. It's possible he lands on the rubbish truck, jumps to the ground, and rolls in a puddle of freshly-placed fake or real blood (doesn't make a difference whether it's corn syrup or the real stuff.)

2. Too much blood, too little time-There are mere seconds between Sherlock's landing and Watson reaching him, even with the well-placed cyclist. There's no more than a minute or two between the fall and Watson seeing him again. Unless there were terrible, terrible injuries, there is too much blood on the ground for someone whose bones are not broken and whose body appears fairly whole.
There is also the minor issue of Sherlock's left ear-he appears to be bleeding from it, but that's impossible, given the fact that IF he fell the way he was supposed to, he should have landed on his FACE. Even if he did land on his side, it still doesn't work, given that when we see him again, he's lying on his RIGHT side, not his LEFT. His injuries should be primarily on the side he lands on.

3. Given that, there are not enough injuries. A person who has fallen 70 feet off a building will have broken bones, open wounds, head injuries, a more than likely injured spine. Sherlock looks perfect save for his bleeding head, a near impossibility unless the man landed on a mattress.

4. That said, IF someone is injured in that way, the first thing you do NOT do is roll him over the way these people in scrubs do. You support the neck and head because he could be paralyzed if you shift him improperly. I took a CPR class in middle school, and I remember this much: you check his airway secondary to that, breathing, and THEN circulation. They jump right over the first two and on to the third. Someone else also noted that guy holds his hand to Sherlock's neck for a damn long time-too long even for someone who doesn't know where to look for the carotid on a thin man. I have trouble finding it most times on MYSELF, and I'm little. Either he's waiting for Sherlock's heart to beat, or the guy has no clue what the hell he's doing and is faking his search for a pulse.

You would THEN get a neck brace on him and roll him onto the stretcher, keeping him lying straight as you put him on a backboard to keep his spine even. You do not DROP him like a sack of flour onto the stretcher. Any shift of the spine might make things worse and leave him without important functions like breathing or walking.
In fact, the way these people in scrubs behave, you would THINK they didn't know how to treat someone who's fallen off a building, or that that someone wasn't injured very much at all.

5. The amount of people in scrubs and how quickly they show up is too fast. Given that Bart's is under a refit, there shouldn't be a lot of doctors around. Ditto on that stretcher. Even in a good, busy, occupied hospital, it should take a minute or even two for someone to shout around for a stretcher, find one unoccupied, navigate it through the hospital corridors, and out the door to where Sherlock's fallen. This gurney comes whizzing out mere seconds after he lands.

6. The fact that even when Watson comes up claiming to be a doctor, the people around him pull him away. Even in a crisis like this, even an injured doctor offering to help would be allowed to aid his friend, and would be allowed to walk into the hospital with him. Remember: Watson was TRAINED at St. Bart's. He's WORKED there. He knows people who WORK there at the present MOMENT (Stanford for one, Molly for another.) If there were real doctors and nurses in that crowd, they would KNOW him and they would KNOW he was an army medic and they would LET him take care of Sherlock. The reason Watson is pulled away is that if he gets too close, he might feel Sherlock's heart trying to beat and his pulse, however faint, and he might believe that his friend could make it. He has to feel nothing and believe what he feels-that Sherlock's body is truly dead and that his friend has really gone.

So, around the corner Sherlock goes on a stretcher, with all the appearances of death.

They take him down to the morgue, and Molly receives his poor, bloodied form.

If it is rhododendron in his system, Molly injects atropine to get his circulation back to normal. It might take him time to recover, no more than a day or two. He's in good shape-might only take a few hours.

Meanwhile, Watson is in hospital overnight to make sure his head's OK, Mycroft "identifies" his brother's body since he's family (making Watson unnecessary), Molly fakes the records.

Then there's the staging of the funeral. Sherlock's probably been cremated because it would mean less risk of John pointing into an open casket and remarking that the body in the box looks NOTHING like the guy's he's lived with for a year and a half. Besides, it's a suicide and Sherlock would be, as Molly likes to put it, "a bit smashed up." It's the equivalent of a car accident-you would probably have a closed casket to reduce shock to the few people who show up at the funeral.
Also note in "Belgravia" when Sherlock mentions to the two little girls that their grandfather has not gone to heaven but that he's been taken to a special room and burned. This blatant description of cremation implies to me that Sherlock probably would have wanted to be handled this way after his demise. Sherlock's probably not religious (it might be hard to find a church that would bury a suicide with ceremony ANYWAY. Some churches won't. CoE won't do it in some circumstances, but the Catholic church usually does for the family's peace of mind. ) Sherlock would also want to be cremated, again because he doesn't want to leave a mess. He knows how decomposition works. It's a nasty, slimy business he'd rather avoid. Better to be ashes.

However it goes, it ends with a tombstone in a graveyard. Sherlock is dead to the world, and only Mycroft and Molly know the truth.

I will admit to this-I have absolutely no clue what Moffat was talking about when he said there was something we all missed. Feel free to throw theories at that one.

So there we are again, all the way through another pile of theories. Hopefully I led you to some interesting ideas, and hopefully we can all work together to figure out what the hell happened. I probably won't post an update of this one unless someone in the know spills their lentils and gives us a decent clue.

If I missed anything, let me know.


Ta,
Bec

Everyone's Home

Yep. Anna came on Tuesday (bearing a carton of eggs). Sara arrived today with her cat and bearing a carton of eggs. Add that to the four we already had, and we need to get rid of eggs around here.

We now have one puppy, two cats, two sisters, Dad, Mom, and me all crammed in a small house. We are already ready to kill each other. Too bad it's not Christmas-we usually try harder.

Of course, I'm irritable because I'm uncomfortable because of my cramp problem (ongoing with no end in sight) and I'm hungry (I didn't eat with the rest of them because I couldn't, so now Dad decided to plonk down in the area I cleaned up so I could eat.)

Gritting my teeth and bearing it!

Ta,
Bec

ANOTHER Frustrating Day

Rant about my lady bits malfunctioning AGAIN coming-get out of the way.


Went to the gyn today. My skin looks good, however, I now have vaginismus (tight pelvic muscles, which I thought I had already) and muscle knots inside someplace that my damn dilator can't get past (thank YOU fibro and virginity and small pelvis and ALL.) Rats. Now I need a physical therapist. I am tired, annoyed, and worn out and I needed a place to bitch (and a pillow to scream into), so here it is.

I suspected something was up when I kept trying to get that second dilator past the halfway point and bumping into something in the way. It was 5-alarm painful to try to get past, and something in the back of my head told me that pushing past the painful point wasn't going to happen. I know it wasn't me that caused this. It was probably caused by the stupid gyn from four years ago who shoved that damn speculum up there so hard he had me screaming in pain and trying to curl in a ball while the nurse held me down. I will never see a male doctor for that area of my body again. What a jerk. He told me I couldn't produce enough fluid either for lubrication (OK, YOU try producing enough lubrication when he's causing you intense and unbearable pain) AND THEN the jerk told me (in the coldest voice possible) I had PCOS and I was generally infertile for the rest of my life, which wasn't true.

So NOW, probably because of that, I can't get ANYTHING past an index finger in myself. Thanks, gyn doctor. You really screwed me up and now I'm going to have to fix it before I even have another pelvic exam.

(You know what? I'm not protecting him. If you live in Rhinelander, don't go to Dr. Pollnow. I'm going to have to live with what he did to me and I'm still mad. I should have reported him at the time and now it's too late to do so.)

Also, one of my high school friends walked past me (clearly heavily pregnant) as I left the office today with her guy. I do not need to be reminded that I might never be able to have a boyfriend, much less sleep with him or produce offspring without screaming (in pain) through the whole process.

All in all, I'm in the "I've had it up to here" mode and I need chocolate before I kill someone.

I have to end this entry because Dad keeps kicking me in the back for some reason while I try to type.

Ta,
Bec