ANOTHER Frustrating Day

Rant about my lady bits malfunctioning AGAIN coming-get out of the way.


Went to the gyn today. My skin looks good, however, I now have vaginismus (tight pelvic muscles, which I thought I had already) and muscle knots inside someplace that my damn dilator can't get past (thank YOU fibro and virginity and small pelvis and ALL.) Rats. Now I need a physical therapist. I am tired, annoyed, and worn out and I needed a place to bitch (and a pillow to scream into), so here it is.

I suspected something was up when I kept trying to get that second dilator past the halfway point and bumping into something in the way. It was 5-alarm painful to try to get past, and something in the back of my head told me that pushing past the painful point wasn't going to happen. I know it wasn't me that caused this. It was probably caused by the stupid gyn from four years ago who shoved that damn speculum up there so hard he had me screaming in pain and trying to curl in a ball while the nurse held me down. I will never see a male doctor for that area of my body again. What a jerk. He told me I couldn't produce enough fluid either for lubrication (OK, YOU try producing enough lubrication when he's causing you intense and unbearable pain) AND THEN the jerk told me (in the coldest voice possible) I had PCOS and I was generally infertile for the rest of my life, which wasn't true.

So NOW, probably because of that, I can't get ANYTHING past an index finger in myself. Thanks, gyn doctor. You really screwed me up and now I'm going to have to fix it before I even have another pelvic exam.

(You know what? I'm not protecting him. If you live in Rhinelander, don't go to Dr. Pollnow. I'm going to have to live with what he did to me and I'm still mad. I should have reported him at the time and now it's too late to do so.)

Also, one of my high school friends walked past me (clearly heavily pregnant) as I left the office today with her guy. I do not need to be reminded that I might never be able to have a boyfriend, much less sleep with him or produce offspring without screaming (in pain) through the whole process.

All in all, I'm in the "I've had it up to here" mode and I need chocolate before I kill someone.

I have to end this entry because Dad keeps kicking me in the back for some reason while I try to type.

Ta,
Bec