No One Gets It!

Here I go again. I am sorry. Lady bits complaint, AGAIN.














No one around me actually gets it.

I was socially inept before, and that was fine. I'll deal with it. Socially inept is sort of 'in' now and I figured it would be a hurdle, but one that could be overcome.

But now there's physical damage to contend with. That's harder to deal with. A lot harder.

My mother thinks I should get married (she told me this last night. Again.) I won't say she's certifiably insane to her face, but I'm thinking it. She knows me well enough to know right now that is laughable. Who is going to want a socially backward recluse with a body that no longer permits, shall we say, "all the fun and frolic" an almost 29 year old should bring to the table (or couch, or bed, or shower, and you get my point.) It's never, ever going to be easy for me to get laid without hours of preparation. There goes all the fun sucked out of it by this cursed disease.

Have I told you lately I hate LS?

I am damaged goods, twice and maybe three times over. It'll be years before I can do those sorts of things (after eventual surgery to fix my ruined body,) and even if I can, will it be worth how I feel afterwards? I might have pain for days after-how the hell is a girl supposed to have endless rounds of sex when she can't handle ONE?

I want to, eventually. I'd like to. But right now, it doesn't look like I'm going to.

So instead of dwelling on the things I CAN'T have, I'm working with what I DO have. And that means cutting the thought of a partner out of my life completely.

I'm working on that, but sometimes people don't get it. I'm starting to get the questions (anyone special? Seeing anyone? Needling, needling, needling...) I am approaching 30 and it makes sense that they ask, but it hurts me deeply when they do, it really does. How do I tell them that my body has recently closed the door, created a moat with crocodiles and sharks, and locked the gates to keep out, well, everyone?

It's half embarrassment that keeps my mouth shut, mostly because everyone around me (my friends on Facebook, I mean) is having it so damn easy finding someone and promptly getting knocked up. I am alone, boyfriendless and partnerless, because this crap has taken every bit of dignity and hope for partnership I had left and thrown it into a paper shredder. I've had more people look at my damaged underpinnings in the last year than in the last 15 years beforehand (4 people so far, plus another one coming up in March,) and every time they look the problem just gets worse.

I had to stop dreaming about someone at my side. I can't have that anymore. Foof, gone, it isn't possible anymore. Move on.

So, no, I won't marry someone in the near or distant future. I don't want pity/disgust from him when he finds out that I'm an intelligent but extremely angry person (oh, I'm angry. Have you seen how much angry I've poured into this blog?) who's been forced to live like a nun because LS decided I was its new best friend. I might never marry. It's too damned complicated and too darn painful and I'd rather not go through all the agony, thanks very much. I have to go feed the crocodiles and sharks in my moat instead.

So that's that. Complaint of the day.

Sigh. Gotta get back to work.

Ta,
Bec