Preparing

Been busy.

I want to say something here that I really can't say anywhere else (or to anyone else.) Since I figure no one's reading this blog anyway, I can say what I like and I hopefully won't hear about it from well-meaning people who think I'm nuts.

I have my first lesson in learning to drive today, BUT it's not for the reasons you might think. Of course, I want the convenience when it's minus 12 out like today, I have no money in my wallet, and I need to get to the bank...and my only option is to HIKE IT. This sucks. It's cold. Yesterday when I walked to work, I had ICE on my EYEBROWS.

No, I have a completely different reason in mind. And his name is James. Or will be James, since I'm planning on going for a newborn.

I am looking into single-parent adoption.

Seriously. Really. Yes.

Hopefully, in two years, I will legally be someone's mother.

Seriously. Really. Yes.

I've shut down the whole idea of ever having someone to marry, and I also shut down the idea that I could carry my own child to term and not have serious damage done to my own body that would take weeks to heal. Since I'm considering becoming a single parent, taking weeks to heal isn't going to cut it. I can't, with good conscience, drop a newborn into my mother's lap for 6 to 8 weeks while I heal up from having said newborn.

I've thought about him a lot this week-in fact, it's been almost the only thing on my mind. James has somehow gone from a thought in my head to being a real person, a real child, banging pots and learning to walk. I'm already planning his room (elephants. I like elephants) and where his crib is going to go.

His face isn't clear yet, but the feeling in my chest when I think of what he could be like is. I don't particularly care what color he is-in fact, I saw an African-American baby on the Internet last night and thought that maybe James will look like that. Maybe he'll look more like me. Don't know.

Of course, I'm unsure of how it's going to work, but isn't that always the way? At least I get two years plus to prepare for mine-most people don't even get ONE.

Once I get my license (hopefully by summer, which can't come fast enough, thank you), I'll start the paperwork with whichever agency I choose (I have a couple in mind.) I already read the adoption manual and contacted the government and I'm going over to the Health Department this morning and getting whatever they've got on this, just so I'm fully prepared to do whatever is necessary (and legal!) to bring James home.

So, that's my big secret. I have to tell someone outside of my mother (who's all for it, by the way, so it seems I'm making a good decision here.) I'm actually already writing letters to my son (helps me deal with the emotional overload right now-two years and possibly more is a long time to wait for someone and I know the happy balloon feeling won't last.)

I might have to wait longer than most mothers for my son to arrive, but the wait will be worth it.

Ta,
Bec